How I lost MYSELF!

I lost myself.  I lost myself when I became a wife & mother.  Those things happened when I was 22 so for my whole adult life I didn't know who I was. Those two things became my whole identity.  The problems occur if you lose the things that make your identity.  When my kids were in elementary school I had an identity crisis.  My husband refused to have more kids and my kids were growing up so fast! The only answer for what I wanted to be while growing up was a mother. This was a long time ago (kids are now 19 & 17).  

I transferred my identity to being a wife.  

My husband was gone a lot though as a truck driver. 

During the intervening years I slowly started disappearing.  I lost most of my personal like & dislikes, ambitions, goals, and dreams, and I didn't reappear when my husband was home either.  I just adopted his.  This caused problems in our relationship to the point that my husband was ready to call it quits.  This hit me out of the blue as we had gone through some hard things (problems with the kids & health things) but we weathered through them, we rarely argued and all my goals were my husband's goals. He did not communicate his unhappiness.  I was devastated.  He agreed to counseling but all appointments had to be made around his convenience so they were few and far between.  He made life changing decisions without discussion. e.g. He left for three months to go to school on the other side of the country to facilitate a career change. I was devastated all over again.  How could we work on things if he was gone?  Would he come back?  I had breakdowns weekly and would scream and cry on the phone with him.  He spent a lot of time trying to reassure me from thousands of miles away, which didn't make any sense because he was the one who wanted to be out.  I was angry enough to let him be out too.  

I was angry with God.   I trusted God When my 13 year old son had charges against him; I trusted God when I suffered an ischemic stroke at the age of 36.  What more did he want from me?! I lost my faith, I didn't even want to go to heaven any more because I was so mad at God I definitely didn't want to spend eternity with Him. I contemplated how it would be preferable to spend eternity in Hell, eternally separated from God.  My husband came home.  He acted like everything was fine now.  I couldn't trust him.  He started searching for a new job in his new field, with all sorts of promises he wasn't going to be able to fulfill.  

I contemplated leaving my husband.  Instead I cooperated with uprooting and moving our children cross country. 

I was terrified.  I didn't trust my husband, I didn't trust God, the only choices I had were going along with the move or torpedoing my marriage. I figured leaving would always be an option, but once left the chances of reconciliation are greatly reduced.  I started praying again, because I didn't know where else to turn.  It took me 5 months to find a job in our new home. Our daughter who was 16 at the time of the move and going into 11th grade really struggled with the transition for so many reasons. Our son hasn't fared much better he was 18 and graduated high school prior to the move, but still hasn't found a job or figured out what he wants to do with his life.  I asked my husband what had changed, how could everything be fine for him now. How could I trust we were okay? (Still trying to reclaim my wife identity.) Short answer for him was Godly counsel from trusted Christian Friends. But I couldn't help but wonder if that kind of thing would last.

Photo by Allef Vinicius on Unsplash  

I started looking for who I was beyond a wife and mother.  

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

If those things could be done or gone at anytime, what was left?

Purposefully Happy

Lately I've been in a real funk. I have had trouble feeling positive about anything, let alone myself. I've been tired, frustrated, stressed, discouraged, depressed, and beating myself up on a daily basis.

Enough is enough.

Is this what God intended for me? NO!

I know it, and it's time to remind myself of that - RIGHT NOW.

As of right now I am going to practice being Purposefully Happy. Purposefully - as in fully purposeful.

In the Bible it says "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice." Phillipians 4:4 ESV

(In a word search of an online ESV bible it found the word "Rejoice" 222. I think that's an interesting number, though I am no numerologist so I wouldn't necessarily say it's significant...)

But I can't help thinking, if I spend more of my time Rejoicing in the Lord, there will be less time left for all those negative feelings, attitudes etc. It's worth a shot right?

So here it is Lord, I present myself joyfully to you and your awesome goodness & greatness. Please help me spend more of my time joyfully in you.
Amen.

Moth3rMN

What now?

I feel like I'm in limbo. Some inbetween place. Not sure what direction I'm headed in. So many things I feel like I should be doing, that I become overwhelmed and end up doing very little. Read a book today. Percy Jackson & the Sea of Monsters. Sat and read the whole thing this afternoon & evening ... which yes, means I didn't get anything else done. I haven't read a book for pleasure in sooo long. I really miss it, but I tend to have no self control when it comes to reading for pleasure, never have. I'll read all night long to finish a book, no matter what I may have going on the next day (like work, yikes!) When I pray, there's very little I can ask for myself. I usually just ask the Lord's will be done, because if it's different from what I want it's got to be better (at the very least in the long term) then I what I want. I know we are welcome to ask anything we want. Does God answer prayers that aren't his 1st choice? Like I'll give her this, but she should really have that... yesterday I fought w/ the demons of Jealously, resentment, martyr, selfishness, self-centeredness. I really hate when that happens. when it happens its usually in regards to my husband, and I end up hurting him more then anything. this blog post is quick and messy. I guess I don't have to worry too much, I doubt anyone will read. It's more for me anyways. I want to live my life wholey for God, but I'm so sinful I don't know if I'll ever be able wholey give myself over to him. Time to stop venting and start pigging out on chocolate chip cookies. Love & peace, blessings upon blessings. Moth3rMN

A New Beginning. Again. And Again. And again, and again, and again…

Thank you God that I can begin again. And again. And yet again! I'm afraid I've used my increased work hours as an excuse to not try the last two months.

I feel very ashamed. An extra 10hrs a week, 8hrs/day instead of my normal 6hrs/day, and I barely coped at home. Everything overwhelmed me. I fell apart. I didn't trust God to help me. That's the bottom line. I made everything rest on me, instead of God. How egotistical!

It's Sunday night & I go back to my 6hr/day schedule on Tuesday. ( only 1 more day of working 8hrs.) & I've recently become afraid that everything will NOT be okay starting Tuesday as I have been counting on the past two months. I think its because I finally accepted that the problem has not been the number of hours/day that I've been working outside the home… the problem has been my rejection of God. Something that has nothing to do with Tuesday.

Now what?

I have to turn my face back to God.

I need to trust him.

I need to focus on him.

Forgive me Lord for I have sinned. Thank you for making me whole again through Christ's death & resurrection. Thank you for your unfailing love & grace. Thank you for accepting me back in your arms everytime I throw a childish fit & try to insist on having my own way. Thank You for helping me learn & grow.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Off the wagon

I "fell off the wagon" as it were on my Morning Routine. This morning I managed to get up at 5am. I got up, and proceeded to do nothing. I sat for 1/2hr doing virtually nothing, saying some prayers & read an email devotional. Now I've turned on my soap and am typing in my blog. Not exactly how I planned my routine. Oh well. At least I got up. I think I'm stuck on the excercise part. I keep avoiding it. So tomorrow, I'm going to try to get up at 5am again, & I'm going to go strait to worship, bible study & prayer. I never had a problem with that part. Even if that is all I get done that is okay. Maybe I can try to excercise in the afternoon 1st thing when I get home? It's worth a try.

Epiphany!

I realized something today. I have hit a road block in making progress with my Flylady routines. I've been trying to not beat myself up over it and give myself time to adjust to where I am it.

That's fine.

What I realized today is, I may not be making progress on my Flylady routines right now, but I am making mad progress on my new Maximize Your Mornings routines.

My new efforts in the morning area are massive. It is major changes in my life. I may not have made much progress in the Flylady changes since I started it, but I have been making major changes to my mornings! I can not expect to make changes in all areas at once. Flylady says Babysteps. And right now my Babysteps are Maximizing my mornings so I can start my days off right with the Lord. It makes much sense and I am okay with it now.

So that is that.

Yesterday thanks to Adam I actually got to bed early (on time). Tonight I have to try do the same. I feel so much when I get an appropriate amount of sleep.

Anyways I love you. I love the Loard. Lord, thank You for the people in my life that test me. It's easy to charitable towards lovely people. But you want me to be charitable to everyone, even my ultra-negative coworker. She teaches me to be patient, forgiving, compassionate and much more.

9pm time to hit the hay are try to get into it.
Night!

Where was I?

I have not made a post since . . . last Thursday? Friday I was enjoying Adam being home (and had an evening meeting for church) and Saturday our internet went out due to a big snow storm. We finally got it back today.

I've really been stuck on babystep #10. 15min declutter. I don't know why it's so hard for me to do. I have paused on moving forward on the babysteps until I can master this. Now don't get me wrong! I'm going to continue to practice what I've been practicing. And I will do the 15min declutter. I'm going to have to try different times of the day or something.

I'm doing better since Wednesday. I'm tried, getting up earlier. Adding Worship & prayer to my morning routine. I want... I want... I don't know what I want. I think I need to go to bed. 5:30am comes very early.

Thank you Lord for your many mercies & the grace you pour out on me everyday. Thank you for the blessings you shower on me and my family. May yours be the glory and honor and praise. Amen

Wallowing In Misery

Today I chose to wallow in misery. The only nice thing I can say about myself is I think I was careful not to take it out on anybody, including my kids, coworkers or husband. I woke up still injured from yesterday between my husband and my coworkers. I did not want to face the day, but face the day I did.

This morning I got up for God, because I surely wanted to stay in bed all day.

I wanted to say mean and spiteful things to my coworkers to let them know exactly how injured I felt by there "comments" yesterday during the office meeting. I almost wanted to tell my husband not to bother to come home since obviously shooting a deer that is not going to happen is more important then being a productive member of this household.

I did not do any of these things. I was pleasant and receptive to my coworkers and when my husband called to say he was coming home I said "Ok".

I cried on the way to work and on the way home, but I did not cry at work which is a blessing. I do not believe I took any of my miserableness out on the kids at all either, something to be thankful for.

I really hate it when other people take their bad mood out on others, so I couldn't really do it myself coud I?

I still don't feel ready to be over it, but I really need to be. There is nothing more to be done about it. I am only torturing myself and will end up hurting people I do not mean to hurt.

I should go to bed. A good night sleep might help. I want to move my clock back a little bit more tonight. I actually read 2-3 chapters in my Bible this morning. I need to get up early enought to include exercise & worship time also. I really am afraid I might have to get up as early as 5am to get all of that done before I need to go to work, but we'll see, adjustments can always be made.

Good night. Blessing on you all. God loves you.

The high point of today? A flat tire.

So today, on the way to work I got a flat tire. I was between towns so had no idea who to call to help, so I said a pray asking God to give me the strength to change it myself. I did, and was pretty proud of myself. Little did I know that was going to be the best part of my day. Yes it went downhill from there.

My husband is on a hunting trip. He left Friday evening, and was hoping to be home by this evening so he could go to my best friend's birthday dinner (I was unavailable to go because Wednesday I have an AWANA commitment.) I always knew that there was the possibility that he would stay past today, but I don't think I really acknowledged it. I had myself prepared to do without him till today and that was fine. Well, he hasn't shot a deer yet so he's not coming home yet. I'm crushed. I miss him so much! Yes there are things I would like him to help me with that I would rather not wait (like get my tire fixed because driving on a donut spare is a pain) but I would rather have him home then have those things done. But he's not coming home. Maybe he can try to be home Friday. I don't think that he realizes that us not seeing him for a week is a big deal to us.

Today at work we had our monthly operations meeting. Normally I enjoy these meetings. Little did I know going into today's meeting was that my coworkers had been saving up to address what I was not doing or not doing right. One of my coworkers will be gone January & February on maternity leave and we will all be pitching in to cover. This is a position I stepped down from 4-5 years ago because I couldn't stand it anymore, & have had very little to do with it for the past 3 years when the most recent replacement was hired. Not to mention that she does things completely different form how I used to do them. I have no problem that she does them differently but she and the other assistant seem to just assume that I should know how things are done now. I've been out of the loop for 3+ years. Basically I was just going to pick up and do things the way I used to do them in January, but it turns out that's not good enough. I should have been more worried, proactive, I don't know. The long and short of it was the meeting felt very much like attack Corena day and was not enjoyable. The other gal was upset that I gave her a message of something I could have done myself for a client I was unfamiliar with, I said she could have given it back to me and told me I could go ahead and process it. After the meeting she came to me and said that yes she could have but she figured she had it so she might as well process it and make it an issue to address in the meeting. Gee, thanks. It was one of those days I would have quit if I didn't need that job. But I do, so I didn't. And it's probably not worth saying anything, because it's "my" problem not theirs. But there is some positive actions I can take and will do them tomorrow that have nothing to do with hurt feelings or pointing fingers. I'd rather take the positive actions than trying to have people acknowledge... whatever.

The meeting ran 40min past the end of my work day, but since I was 30min late because of the flat tire, that didn't seem like such a big deal. Except that I was planning on doing my grocery shopping after work today and just didn't have time for it then.

My son forgot a book at school so I had to take him back to get it.

Nothing had gone right today so I really was not looking forward to going to AWANA where I am the secretary. Who knew what could go wrong tonight. But the worst that happened was I couldn't find my uniform shirt because it was lost in the laundry somewhere & I didn't get there as early as I would have because I dozed off & the kids weren't watching the time to wake me up. Neither of those things were the end of the world though and the evening went fine.

My husband called before I had left. He "offered" to come home tonight if that's what I wanted. I told him I didn't know how to answer that question because regardless of that answer someone would lose. If he came home his opportunity to get a deer would end and if he stays I have to deal with all these bad feelings myself. As I sit here tears are rolling down my cheeks and I don't know how to feel better about any of it.

I did do most of my before bed routine, I didn't do a 2min hotspot, but I did dishes & shined my sink, I took off my makeup & put my jewelry away & picked out my clothes for tomorrow. I'm not going to beat myself up over that 2min hotspot (or the 15min of decluttering I was supposed to do this afternoon - that can start tomorrow.)

I should go to bed. This day just needs to end. But I have one thing I want to end with. It uses language I usually try to avoid, especially in the written word, but today just seems to call for it. I refrained from texting it to my husband this afternoon, but did end up tweeting it.

Today was the suckiest day that ever sucked.

Good Morning, Bad Day

Okay, not a bad day exactly, but I've had a headache all day that just doesn't want to go away, and yes, I did try taking something . . .

But this morning was good! I got up again! Even a little earlier then yesterday. I even managed to read a chapter in my Bible! Go Me! I don't how much I'm going to blog about. I'm tired, my headache is a little better, but I think I should take advantage of it being so "early" and head to bed.

Man, I want to say more. I want to blog more, I just don't have it in me tonight. I love you. I miss my husband. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Sorry.

Blessing to Everyone! Night.

I got up early this morning!

I got up early this morning! Of course if we hadn't had the time change it would have been the same time I usually get up during the week. But I'm not going to let that steal my thunder. I got up when I didn't "have" to. I could have slept in almost another hour. But I got up, I showered. I even had breakfast (which NEVER happens) and took vitamins (which NEVER happens either!)

I am really excited about this Hello Mornings! Part of me wonders if I can pull it off two mornings in a row. I just have to remember the excitement & enthusiasm I felt last night. I pray my a** off! God will help me.

Today's Flylady Babystep was #8, starting the control journal. Now I already have my routines in my phone that allows me to check them off everyday. But part of me still wants to do the 3 ring binder. So I took the binder I was using for my failed attempt at couponing, & I grabbed some of our computer recycling paper (paper used on one side but clean on the other) and ran it through a three whole punch. I then wrote out my current morning and even routines on two pages. Part of me is embaressed because I could have put more effort in, and part of me is proud because I didn't have to make it all perfect, it can be perfected with time. I'm satisfied.

Now, I am really tired, but I'm supposed to also add a 2min Hot Spot to my evening routine. I want to do it. Even if all I want to do is go to bed. I can do anything for 2min right?! Then I can go to bed so I can get up & shower again in the morning, right?!

Love you and wish you many blessings.

Babysteps... Again...

Okay. I'm doing the babysteps again. I started on the 1st of November, a monday. Last week I did dishes . . . 2 times? Yeah, slow start. I'm not giving up. I've stuck my routines in phone in a way I'm finally satisfied.

The big thing this week is that I have been really beating myself up. My son is struggling in school & all the problems he's struggling with are my own problems. How do I help him, when I haven't been able to help myself for any length of time? I even mentioned it to my husband and, he agreed - that I have the same faults at least. Let me tell you I was under a severe case of the dismals.

And I've been ignoring God. And knowing I was doing it. Just another reason to beat myself up over.

Well that's done. Friday's babystep (#5) was to write down all the negative voices and change them to positive. I'm doing that now (yes, it's Sunday night now, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it!)

I'm hopeless. ---> I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I'm lazy. ---> I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I procrastinate all the time. ---> I can do all things through Christ who Strengthens me.
I'm absent minded. ---> Hmmm, the past one doesn't seem to fit... what does? Hmmm. Maybe it's not a crime. God loves me just the way I am.

The big thing is: God loves me. He has always loved me. He will always love me. He will not give up on me, so I should not give up on myself. He does not berate me for falling, and does not want me to berate myself for it either. He is there with me, helping me, ever step of my life.

Tonight I went through my complete before bed routine. I am very proud of myself. Okay, I'm more satisfied with myself then proud, but I think that's okay. I don't need to be "proud", I want to be satisfied, happy, content.

Another thing. I found out about this thing called #hellomornings. It's all about learning to maximize your mornings, getting up earlier & starting your day off on the right foot. I have always wanted to be a morning person. I am very commited to doing this. Which means I need to get to bed. I need to bring this to an end for tonight. Thank you Lord for all you have done & will do for me. You are Great indeed!

Dishes

So I haven't really done much around the house the last two days. Yesterday I still hadn't done the dishes from Tuesday & took the kids to McD's for dinner. Other then that I spent the entire afternoon/evening yesterday hiding in my bedroom, trying to disapear.

Tonight I caught up on dishes while making supper. Spagetti, it was easy & we had all the ingrediants. After dinner I actually got the kids to do some dishes. It seems they didn't finish, I haven't gone to see what wasn't done, but since they will be home alone tomorrow they can finish the dishes (and fold laundry).

They're not going to like that plan, but they'll accept it. Besides, what's they likelyhood that they'll get any of it (let alone all of it) done tomorrow before I get home from work?

One of my goals towards responsible adulthood is to start eating dinner at the table instead of the livingroom. That's where responsible adults eat with their families right? Don't expect this to happen this week (of course, it's already Thursday.) Don't expect it to happen this year, I least not more then a once in a while basis. Be impressed if I make it a whole week in a row.

So yesterday the boss' wife emailed me & said she had noticed that I had started wearing make-up etc, and how nice I looked. Of course yesterday I didn't bother with make-up. Figures. Today I made a point of putting on make-up, yet I knew that the boss' wife never works on Thursdays. I'm not sure if I wish I hadn't started wearing it to work or am glad. I think it's going to become expected sort of, though I don't think they can make it part of the dress code or anything. But I do agree that I look nicer, more put together, with it on - which is quite a feat for me.

I did not shower today or yesterday. Did I shower on Tuesday? I will have to check Tuesday's post to be sure.

Yesterday was my husband's birthday. He had a bad trip because his semi broke on the way back to the shop. He had to pay for the repairs & it was to late to request to have a check waiting for him to re-imburse. He will get the check tonight, & since he won't be back until late tomorrow we won't be able to put the money back in the account until Saturday morning. After he left for work this evening he did call & check to make sure that I had enough money to live on. I thanked him for thinking of me & assured him it won't be problem. I still have plenty of my weekly (grocery) allowance, I have half a tank of gas & don't think anything is needed anyway.

I cleaned the toilet in the main bath today. It gets really groddy because for some reason it is connected to the hot water instead of the cold water. Seems like more stuff "grows" inside it because of it. It had been ignored for a long time, and last weekend when I cleaned the rest of the bathroom I found I did not have anymore toilet bowl cleaner. I picked some up on Monday & this AM I finally got around to doing something about it. So much better! I'm sure my husband appreciates it.

No other progress has been made except that the laundry room, main bathroom & mud room still look decent. The dishes aren't too piled up. There is too much left undone to feel like a responsible adult though. Still hanging out in lazy, self-absorbed, teenager land. Am I making progress? I'll go as far as to say I'm not losing progress. I'm not becoming less responsible . . . if I don't include that AWANA order I'm supposed to place, the RSVP for the party Ginney is invited to on Saturday & the RSVP for the Holloween party Clint is invited to. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I've got to act soon. I should have placed that AWANA order last week & it's probably too late to RSVP for Ginney's party. Welcome to Lazy, irresponsible teenager hood. I am definately not making progress & probably failing others too.

I gotta go. I love you.
Bye.
MOTH3R

Blog post number two . . . This can't last.

Okay, so I'm writing another blog post. Why? It's 20min to 10:00pm, I'm ready to go to sleep, but don't have to quite yet.

Hmmmm. . . What to blog about? How about an update on my impossible journey to responsible adulthood? Today I kept the laundry room, main bath & mud room up that I worked on between Saturday & yesterday. That's good right? I did not do tonight's dinner dishes. I declutted the kitchen/dinning table while talking to my sister on the phone (she lives in Colorado.) I did not reboot the laundry this evening (I think I did this morning?) I did get up & take a shower this morning (desperately needed) and still got the kids & myself out the door on time.

Progress in some areas and not in others. Tomorrow I may very well fail in the areas I excelled at today and excel in the areas I failed at. Story of my life. I keep trying. Quiting is not an option. I feel so much like I should be able to get it all together at once (& keep it going) but I prove time & time again that I can not.

So where is God in all of this? Do I believe in him? I most certainly do. Have I asked for his help? More then once. Do I believe he can help me? Without question. Does he just not want to help me? Of course not! So what's the deal? The only thing I can figure is it is my fault. Somehow I'm being stubborn & not letting him help me . . . something. I can't blame God, so the only one left to blame is myself. I'm so willful that God's hands are tied, because he won't force me to change, he wants me to let him change me. I thank him & apologize all at the same time.

I keep hoping that someday, someday I will be the person God wants me to be. He is patient with my failures & proud of my successes.

Tomorrow is my husband's 31st Birthday. As he will not be home until the late evening tomorrow I made (one of) his favorite dinners tonight. Pork Chops & stuffing. I was quite impressed, I rarely am satisfied with my efforts at pork chops but tonight they came out really good. They were just seasoned with general seasoning and grilled on a stove top grill that we bought at some sort of trade show. They came out tender and juicy, I didn't even mind eating my share (pork chops are my least favorite of the dishes I make.) I love him and want to make him as happy as he makes me. He doesn't help with housework (unless specifically asked to do something) but never criticises my housekeeping skills and he doesn't expect me to help in the yard at all (except for the occasional snow removal of the driveway - since he's gone for two days at a time it's easier to stay on top of it instead of letting it pile up and wait until he gets there - we once had a terrific fight about it which I can share in a latter post if I feel so inspired.) He's so incredibly supportive, but helps me be independent & strong. He makes enough that allows me to only work part time so that I can be home when the kids get home from school. He's always talking & saving for the "toys" he wants, but almost always ends up spending the money on the kids or myself. He has this scruffy, rough, red-neck exterior but it's like swiss cheese cause you can see his soft fluffy interior all the time (he volunteers in the nursery with me at church many Sunday mornings!) I was very blessed when God led me to him and him to me.

It's after 10pm now, I should start settling in to sleep. I hope everyone has a blessed night and a blessed day. My life is full of blessings I am very grateful for it.

Blessings & Prayers,
MOTH3R

A Blog Post. . . Really?!

I haven't posted a blog in over 2 years. Why am I posting one now? I have no idea except it's been on my mind lately. What is it going to be about . . . Not a clue. I feel like I've been struggling w/ everything lately, unable to over-come my bad habits. I am not a responsible adult. I am a lazy, irresponsible, self-centered teenager at heart. It's nearly 11pm, should have been settled in bed an hour ago. But I slept & sat around all afternoon & evening. I finally got my butt moving to be productive sometime after 9pm. This is very typical for me. I have every intention of being productive before sitting around, but somehow it never happens in that order.

Why can't I be the person I want to be? I want to be a responsible adult. Do work first & play later. Dealing w/ things when they should be dealt with. Set a good example, show patience, care and love to all (especially my children!)

I set my alarm between 5:30 & 6:30 am every morning, but I can't stop myself from pressing snooze until 6:45 every morning. Which means I can't take showers most mornings cause I have to get the kids up so we can all be out of the house by 7:30am. Every night I plan on getting up early enough to shower in the morning, so putting the two together means I do not shower more then a couple of times a week. Most would be horified by that.

I only work 6hrs a day & get home before the kids in the afternoon. I have every intention of cleaning house, catching up on laundry & helping the kids with homework before dinner. What usually happens is I'm tired I sit around all afternoon if not downright fall asleep while my children do their homework. Only rousing myself if they need any help. I make dinner (most nights or is that some nights.) & then I sit around until my children go to bed. Then I sit around for a little while longer, until I realize how late it's getting & I haven't gotten a thing done. Especially bad if it's a night my husband will be coming home from work (he's a trucker & gone every other night.) cause I don't want to see that I did nothing but sit around after only working part time.

I'm lucky I have that little bit of accountability, or who knows how little would get done around here, and before I know it I would be featured on one of those shows like Hoarders or Hoarding: Buried Alive. When it comes to the house, more often then not I am playing catch-up. Some days I like to say I'm making progress, very slowly, but progress - but it's pretty short lived & I'm working from -5 again. I've known & studied Flylady for several years now, but I can't seem to make a single habit or new routine for the life of me. I haven't found the babystep small enough that I can do it on a regular basis so it turns into a routine & a habit.

I'm tired & I don't think I've said one positive thing about myself in this entire rambling post. I have started wearing make-up on a more regular basis since my best friend's wedding a week ago. Which means I've been washing my face on a more regular basis. I gotta go take this clown face off before going to sleep or I'll regret it after my face breaks out more then it usually is.

So I'm signing off, going to try to do a little bit to take care of myself. Everytime I fall I pick myself up again. One day I'll be able to walk on my own. Then the world better watch out!

Love & Blessings.

"There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you." ~David Burns~

I haven't been doing a blog every day. Sitting for extended periods in front of the computer is still painful (I think it's the chair) But I've been waiting for Christian to finish his homework so I can take the kids to the library (books are due today, of course I always wait until the absolute due date . . . we'll work on that.)

On the bright side, I've been getting more done around the house because I feel better if I move more often instead of sitting on my butt all day!

On today's quote . . .

"There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you." ~David Burns~

I like this quote. I've been there where I thought I could never be happy without a certain person in my life . . . where that person had ultimate control over my happiness. That is no way to live. I now know that I can be happy all by myself, if need be. If something happened between me and Adam, I would find happiness again. If, God forbid, something happened to one of my kids, I could eventually find happiness again. My happiness does not depend on anyone or anything but myself and God. And that is a comfort. Adam would not want my world to end if something happened to him. Neither would my kids. No one who truly loves you would want you to be miserable for the rest of your life, or ever for that matter. As far as people making me happy, like my kids, they only make me happy if I remember to enjoy them. The things they say and do. It starts with me. They make me happy only be cause I choose to enjoy them. A person only makes you happy if you choose to appreciate what they say and do. A lot of time this is automatic, but sometimes we have to make the conscious decision. Even with kids, sometimes it's a conscious effort to appreciate my kids. But always worth while. People come and go in our lives, no one lives forever. Isn't it a comfort to know that all we need is ourselves to be happy?

If you need more than yourself to be happy, it may be time to think about it. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with wanting people in your life, spending times with them, enjoying them. But we want to be self-sufficient also. Our happiness depends on it.

Love you and think of you often,
MOTH3R

"In the hopes of reaching the moon men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet." ~Albert Schweitzer~

I'm BACK!!!

If anyone's been wondering where I went . . . I strained my back sometime prior to Wednesday. I was in a lot of pain and funny thing, sitting was excruciating but walking around, cleaning, was not! So that meant not a lot of time in front of the computer, but I did catch my kitchen up that I let go . . . so it was a blessing in disguise. I get daily quotes, called Word of the Day, from gratefulness.org, and on Friday was this one "I've never felt a pain that didn't bear a blessing. ~Gene Knudsen Hoffman~" How appropriate! My kids helped pick stuff off the floor that I wanted since bending was a little difficult, but my kitchen counters are spotless! My back is better, not completely perfect, but better. The worst is long rides/drives in the car . . . which from where we live is pretty much anywhere. I hurt when I first get to work, but by the end of the day I'm moving pretty good.

Some would think the quote above on pain would be my quote, but I want to go back to the one I started on Wednesday but found to painful to complete.

"In the hopes of reaching the moon men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet." ~Albert Schweitzer~

I find this a really beautiful quote.

There is nothing wrong with "reaching for the moon". This country was built by people who wanted to "reach for the moon", both literally and figuratively. That's how great progress is made. But on a personal level, the only thing that is wrong is forgetting to appreciate things along the way. Only in hind site do we see the opportunities, situations and relationships we missed along the way because of our single-mindedness.

Growing up, I always wanted to be a mother, and though my first was not a planned pregnancy, maybe that single-minded desire led me to be less cautious that I might have otherwise been. Reaching for my moon, I missed out on my 20's. I watched my friends "have lives" while I stayed home with the babies. My moon was and is an extremely worthwhile goal, nothing to regret, but I am aware of the flowers I missed along the way. That was always my advice for my young friends . . . wait to have kids, there will be plenty of time later, take time to enjoy being a couple right now. Now as more and more of my friends are entering their 30's, my advice will probably be more tempered, but we all have instances in our past that we wish we could have done differently and would gladly warn others if we could.

Unfortunately most of the those lessons are learned the hard way. But what if we could become more aware, now, of the flowers, now? I can't change how I did things back then, but I sure can enjoy what I have now. As tough as anyone of us have it, there is always something we can appreciate and be grateful for.

All of the above aside, I think it's a really beautiful quote.

Love and Blessings!
MOTH3R

"Happiness resides not in possessions and not in gold; the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul." ~Democritus~

So, I'm updating today and here is my next quote:

"Happiness resides not in possessions and not in gold; the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul." ~Democritus~


How easy is it to forget this and dwell on the things we want but can't have (right now) for whatever reason. This is a problem that really steels our happiness. We've all heard the saying "You can't take it with you" but it usually does not faze us in our day to day lives. And a lot of times we take it as a license to spend and what we do have now since we can't take the money with us. We all know how wanting what we don't have can make us unhappy.

But this quote can be applied another way. How bout having too much stuff!!! I know suffer from that. My house is so small and so full of (lets be honest) garbage that I don't dare let anyone come over. We have way more then we need, we definitely don't use it all, and the chances we will ever use most of it is unlikely, especially using it enough to make it worth while hanging onto all that time instead of just replacing it if the need arises. I have decided I want to take a more minimalist approach to my possessions, definitely not in extreme way - I still like having things, but why have stuff to just sit in closets, the garage, the basement and not even get used once a year? Seasonal stuff is understandable, holiday decorations, summer stuff, winter stuff etc. But looking around my dining room, it's mostly garbage. So I just need to get rid of it. If it hasn't found a home by now (we moved over a year ago) it's obviously not something I use or love.

All this stuff definitely steels my happiness. But I'm working on it and making babystep progress so lets not dwell on that. I won't have all this chaos (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) forever.

We all know this, it's hard to stop wanting things we don't have (I wan't an 80 or 160gb Ipod) and that has a place in our lives because it causes us to work for what we want. But we don't need to spend everyday thinking about it. If we spend more time thinking about what makes us happy, not what will make us happy. It would help a lot.

How many of you have more stuff then you need, but it seems like nothing you want? It's so easy to accumulate "stuff", and so hard to get rid of it because it's so easy to let it stay.

I love my small house, and can envision it with a lot less stuff, and a lot more fun on the inside.

I guess this blog was sort of all over. But we need to look inside us for happiness, not outside us.

I love you and pray for you!
MOTH3R

"Happiness does not consist in pastimes and amusements but in virtuous activities." ~Aristotle~

Okay the next quote is a little preachy (like I haven't been preachy this whole time, but this is for myself as much as anyone else!)

"Happiness does not consist in pastimes and amusements but in virtuous activities." ~Aristotle~

(BTW, I'm setting my timer for 15mins, and I'm going to stop there, so this is probably going to be pretty short.)

I think this saying if we are a little less self-centered we would be happier. And I can agree with it. I find that I am happier when I am not focusing on myself. Though it's always fun to reminisce over good and bad times, dwelling on the past usually distracts from the present and the future. I also find that I'm happier when I think about what I can do for others, whether their my family, my friends, my acquaintances, my coworkers, or just people in general. Making someone else happy, or at least making them feel better, or making something easier for them or whatever the case may be makes me feel happier. And that's a good thing.

Now, I can't even begin to claim I spend all my time in "virtuous activities." But I think, maybe making more of a point of doing "virtuous activities" might help me in my quest in living a happier life.

I'll leave you to decide for yourself what "virtuous activities" are. I don't think there is anything wrong with pastimes and amusements. But they are fleeting, while doing something for the good of others, man or God lasts a lifetime.

Well, I still have over 6 mins, but I don't think I need to grind this one into the ground.

In my thots and prayers!
MOTH3R

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, . . . " ~Helen Keller~

So, what about my happiness blogs? Have I given up on them already? Not a chance!!!

Here is my next quote . . .

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us." ~Helen Keller~

Here is my musing on that . . . I think basically this means we dwell way to much on the bad stuff that happens instead of moving on. Now granted, real tragedies happen and we can't just pretend that they don't. Everyone has to decide for themselves when it is right to move on, but I think we can all admit that we've dwelled once or twice more than we probably needed too.

So how do we move on? That's not an easy answer. I think it's probably different for everyone and as for my recurring theme, takes effort. I think one big thing is asking for help if you need it. Friends and family can be enormously helpful if you let them, by distracting you if nothing else. But sometimes moving on has to be done on your own, figure out what you want or what you need, and do it for yourself. I don't think there's much more I can say about how to move on. A lot of times it just takes a lot of venting, getting all those negative feelings out in the open. And if anyone ever needs to vent, I'm here for you! I may not be able to help, I may not be able to change anything, but I can listen.

But, you will never find happiness if you don't start looking for those windows. How sad to miss a window open, because it closed before you turned around too look for it. I don't want to miss those opportunities. I know no one else wants to either.

I love you all.
MOTH3R