Blog post number two . . . This can't last.

Okay, so I'm writing another blog post. Why? It's 20min to 10:00pm, I'm ready to go to sleep, but don't have to quite yet.

Hmmmm. . . What to blog about? How about an update on my impossible journey to responsible adulthood? Today I kept the laundry room, main bath & mud room up that I worked on between Saturday & yesterday. That's good right? I did not do tonight's dinner dishes. I declutted the kitchen/dinning table while talking to my sister on the phone (she lives in Colorado.) I did not reboot the laundry this evening (I think I did this morning?) I did get up & take a shower this morning (desperately needed) and still got the kids & myself out the door on time.

Progress in some areas and not in others. Tomorrow I may very well fail in the areas I excelled at today and excel in the areas I failed at. Story of my life. I keep trying. Quiting is not an option. I feel so much like I should be able to get it all together at once (& keep it going) but I prove time & time again that I can not.

So where is God in all of this? Do I believe in him? I most certainly do. Have I asked for his help? More then once. Do I believe he can help me? Without question. Does he just not want to help me? Of course not! So what's the deal? The only thing I can figure is it is my fault. Somehow I'm being stubborn & not letting him help me . . . something. I can't blame God, so the only one left to blame is myself. I'm so willful that God's hands are tied, because he won't force me to change, he wants me to let him change me. I thank him & apologize all at the same time.

I keep hoping that someday, someday I will be the person God wants me to be. He is patient with my failures & proud of my successes.

Tomorrow is my husband's 31st Birthday. As he will not be home until the late evening tomorrow I made (one of) his favorite dinners tonight. Pork Chops & stuffing. I was quite impressed, I rarely am satisfied with my efforts at pork chops but tonight they came out really good. They were just seasoned with general seasoning and grilled on a stove top grill that we bought at some sort of trade show. They came out tender and juicy, I didn't even mind eating my share (pork chops are my least favorite of the dishes I make.) I love him and want to make him as happy as he makes me. He doesn't help with housework (unless specifically asked to do something) but never criticises my housekeeping skills and he doesn't expect me to help in the yard at all (except for the occasional snow removal of the driveway - since he's gone for two days at a time it's easier to stay on top of it instead of letting it pile up and wait until he gets there - we once had a terrific fight about it which I can share in a latter post if I feel so inspired.) He's so incredibly supportive, but helps me be independent & strong. He makes enough that allows me to only work part time so that I can be home when the kids get home from school. He's always talking & saving for the "toys" he wants, but almost always ends up spending the money on the kids or myself. He has this scruffy, rough, red-neck exterior but it's like swiss cheese cause you can see his soft fluffy interior all the time (he volunteers in the nursery with me at church many Sunday mornings!) I was very blessed when God led me to him and him to me.

It's after 10pm now, I should start settling in to sleep. I hope everyone has a blessed night and a blessed day. My life is full of blessings I am very grateful for it.

Blessings & Prayers,
MOTH3R

A Blog Post. . . Really?!

I haven't posted a blog in over 2 years. Why am I posting one now? I have no idea except it's been on my mind lately. What is it going to be about . . . Not a clue. I feel like I've been struggling w/ everything lately, unable to over-come my bad habits. I am not a responsible adult. I am a lazy, irresponsible, self-centered teenager at heart. It's nearly 11pm, should have been settled in bed an hour ago. But I slept & sat around all afternoon & evening. I finally got my butt moving to be productive sometime after 9pm. This is very typical for me. I have every intention of being productive before sitting around, but somehow it never happens in that order.

Why can't I be the person I want to be? I want to be a responsible adult. Do work first & play later. Dealing w/ things when they should be dealt with. Set a good example, show patience, care and love to all (especially my children!)

I set my alarm between 5:30 & 6:30 am every morning, but I can't stop myself from pressing snooze until 6:45 every morning. Which means I can't take showers most mornings cause I have to get the kids up so we can all be out of the house by 7:30am. Every night I plan on getting up early enough to shower in the morning, so putting the two together means I do not shower more then a couple of times a week. Most would be horified by that.

I only work 6hrs a day & get home before the kids in the afternoon. I have every intention of cleaning house, catching up on laundry & helping the kids with homework before dinner. What usually happens is I'm tired I sit around all afternoon if not downright fall asleep while my children do their homework. Only rousing myself if they need any help. I make dinner (most nights or is that some nights.) & then I sit around until my children go to bed. Then I sit around for a little while longer, until I realize how late it's getting & I haven't gotten a thing done. Especially bad if it's a night my husband will be coming home from work (he's a trucker & gone every other night.) cause I don't want to see that I did nothing but sit around after only working part time.

I'm lucky I have that little bit of accountability, or who knows how little would get done around here, and before I know it I would be featured on one of those shows like Hoarders or Hoarding: Buried Alive. When it comes to the house, more often then not I am playing catch-up. Some days I like to say I'm making progress, very slowly, but progress - but it's pretty short lived & I'm working from -5 again. I've known & studied Flylady for several years now, but I can't seem to make a single habit or new routine for the life of me. I haven't found the babystep small enough that I can do it on a regular basis so it turns into a routine & a habit.

I'm tired & I don't think I've said one positive thing about myself in this entire rambling post. I have started wearing make-up on a more regular basis since my best friend's wedding a week ago. Which means I've been washing my face on a more regular basis. I gotta go take this clown face off before going to sleep or I'll regret it after my face breaks out more then it usually is.

So I'm signing off, going to try to do a little bit to take care of myself. Everytime I fall I pick myself up again. One day I'll be able to walk on my own. Then the world better watch out!

Love & Blessings.

"There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you." ~David Burns~

I haven't been doing a blog every day. Sitting for extended periods in front of the computer is still painful (I think it's the chair) But I've been waiting for Christian to finish his homework so I can take the kids to the library (books are due today, of course I always wait until the absolute due date . . . we'll work on that.)

On the bright side, I've been getting more done around the house because I feel better if I move more often instead of sitting on my butt all day!

On today's quote . . .

"There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you." ~David Burns~

I like this quote. I've been there where I thought I could never be happy without a certain person in my life . . . where that person had ultimate control over my happiness. That is no way to live. I now know that I can be happy all by myself, if need be. If something happened between me and Adam, I would find happiness again. If, God forbid, something happened to one of my kids, I could eventually find happiness again. My happiness does not depend on anyone or anything but myself and God. And that is a comfort. Adam would not want my world to end if something happened to him. Neither would my kids. No one who truly loves you would want you to be miserable for the rest of your life, or ever for that matter. As far as people making me happy, like my kids, they only make me happy if I remember to enjoy them. The things they say and do. It starts with me. They make me happy only be cause I choose to enjoy them. A person only makes you happy if you choose to appreciate what they say and do. A lot of time this is automatic, but sometimes we have to make the conscious decision. Even with kids, sometimes it's a conscious effort to appreciate my kids. But always worth while. People come and go in our lives, no one lives forever. Isn't it a comfort to know that all we need is ourselves to be happy?

If you need more than yourself to be happy, it may be time to think about it. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with wanting people in your life, spending times with them, enjoying them. But we want to be self-sufficient also. Our happiness depends on it.

Love you and think of you often,
MOTH3R

"In the hopes of reaching the moon men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet." ~Albert Schweitzer~

I'm BACK!!!

If anyone's been wondering where I went . . . I strained my back sometime prior to Wednesday. I was in a lot of pain and funny thing, sitting was excruciating but walking around, cleaning, was not! So that meant not a lot of time in front of the computer, but I did catch my kitchen up that I let go . . . so it was a blessing in disguise. I get daily quotes, called Word of the Day, from gratefulness.org, and on Friday was this one "I've never felt a pain that didn't bear a blessing. ~Gene Knudsen Hoffman~" How appropriate! My kids helped pick stuff off the floor that I wanted since bending was a little difficult, but my kitchen counters are spotless! My back is better, not completely perfect, but better. The worst is long rides/drives in the car . . . which from where we live is pretty much anywhere. I hurt when I first get to work, but by the end of the day I'm moving pretty good.

Some would think the quote above on pain would be my quote, but I want to go back to the one I started on Wednesday but found to painful to complete.

"In the hopes of reaching the moon men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet." ~Albert Schweitzer~

I find this a really beautiful quote.

There is nothing wrong with "reaching for the moon". This country was built by people who wanted to "reach for the moon", both literally and figuratively. That's how great progress is made. But on a personal level, the only thing that is wrong is forgetting to appreciate things along the way. Only in hind site do we see the opportunities, situations and relationships we missed along the way because of our single-mindedness.

Growing up, I always wanted to be a mother, and though my first was not a planned pregnancy, maybe that single-minded desire led me to be less cautious that I might have otherwise been. Reaching for my moon, I missed out on my 20's. I watched my friends "have lives" while I stayed home with the babies. My moon was and is an extremely worthwhile goal, nothing to regret, but I am aware of the flowers I missed along the way. That was always my advice for my young friends . . . wait to have kids, there will be plenty of time later, take time to enjoy being a couple right now. Now as more and more of my friends are entering their 30's, my advice will probably be more tempered, but we all have instances in our past that we wish we could have done differently and would gladly warn others if we could.

Unfortunately most of the those lessons are learned the hard way. But what if we could become more aware, now, of the flowers, now? I can't change how I did things back then, but I sure can enjoy what I have now. As tough as anyone of us have it, there is always something we can appreciate and be grateful for.

All of the above aside, I think it's a really beautiful quote.

Love and Blessings!
MOTH3R

"Happiness resides not in possessions and not in gold; the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul." ~Democritus~

So, I'm updating today and here is my next quote:

"Happiness resides not in possessions and not in gold; the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul." ~Democritus~


How easy is it to forget this and dwell on the things we want but can't have (right now) for whatever reason. This is a problem that really steels our happiness. We've all heard the saying "You can't take it with you" but it usually does not faze us in our day to day lives. And a lot of times we take it as a license to spend and what we do have now since we can't take the money with us. We all know how wanting what we don't have can make us unhappy.

But this quote can be applied another way. How bout having too much stuff!!! I know suffer from that. My house is so small and so full of (lets be honest) garbage that I don't dare let anyone come over. We have way more then we need, we definitely don't use it all, and the chances we will ever use most of it is unlikely, especially using it enough to make it worth while hanging onto all that time instead of just replacing it if the need arises. I have decided I want to take a more minimalist approach to my possessions, definitely not in extreme way - I still like having things, but why have stuff to just sit in closets, the garage, the basement and not even get used once a year? Seasonal stuff is understandable, holiday decorations, summer stuff, winter stuff etc. But looking around my dining room, it's mostly garbage. So I just need to get rid of it. If it hasn't found a home by now (we moved over a year ago) it's obviously not something I use or love.

All this stuff definitely steels my happiness. But I'm working on it and making babystep progress so lets not dwell on that. I won't have all this chaos (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) forever.

We all know this, it's hard to stop wanting things we don't have (I wan't an 80 or 160gb Ipod) and that has a place in our lives because it causes us to work for what we want. But we don't need to spend everyday thinking about it. If we spend more time thinking about what makes us happy, not what will make us happy. It would help a lot.

How many of you have more stuff then you need, but it seems like nothing you want? It's so easy to accumulate "stuff", and so hard to get rid of it because it's so easy to let it stay.

I love my small house, and can envision it with a lot less stuff, and a lot more fun on the inside.

I guess this blog was sort of all over. But we need to look inside us for happiness, not outside us.

I love you and pray for you!
MOTH3R

"Happiness does not consist in pastimes and amusements but in virtuous activities." ~Aristotle~

Okay the next quote is a little preachy (like I haven't been preachy this whole time, but this is for myself as much as anyone else!)

"Happiness does not consist in pastimes and amusements but in virtuous activities." ~Aristotle~

(BTW, I'm setting my timer for 15mins, and I'm going to stop there, so this is probably going to be pretty short.)

I think this saying if we are a little less self-centered we would be happier. And I can agree with it. I find that I am happier when I am not focusing on myself. Though it's always fun to reminisce over good and bad times, dwelling on the past usually distracts from the present and the future. I also find that I'm happier when I think about what I can do for others, whether their my family, my friends, my acquaintances, my coworkers, or just people in general. Making someone else happy, or at least making them feel better, or making something easier for them or whatever the case may be makes me feel happier. And that's a good thing.

Now, I can't even begin to claim I spend all my time in "virtuous activities." But I think, maybe making more of a point of doing "virtuous activities" might help me in my quest in living a happier life.

I'll leave you to decide for yourself what "virtuous activities" are. I don't think there is anything wrong with pastimes and amusements. But they are fleeting, while doing something for the good of others, man or God lasts a lifetime.

Well, I still have over 6 mins, but I don't think I need to grind this one into the ground.

In my thots and prayers!
MOTH3R

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, . . . " ~Helen Keller~

So, what about my happiness blogs? Have I given up on them already? Not a chance!!!

Here is my next quote . . .

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us." ~Helen Keller~

Here is my musing on that . . . I think basically this means we dwell way to much on the bad stuff that happens instead of moving on. Now granted, real tragedies happen and we can't just pretend that they don't. Everyone has to decide for themselves when it is right to move on, but I think we can all admit that we've dwelled once or twice more than we probably needed too.

So how do we move on? That's not an easy answer. I think it's probably different for everyone and as for my recurring theme, takes effort. I think one big thing is asking for help if you need it. Friends and family can be enormously helpful if you let them, by distracting you if nothing else. But sometimes moving on has to be done on your own, figure out what you want or what you need, and do it for yourself. I don't think there's much more I can say about how to move on. A lot of times it just takes a lot of venting, getting all those negative feelings out in the open. And if anyone ever needs to vent, I'm here for you! I may not be able to help, I may not be able to change anything, but I can listen.

But, you will never find happiness if you don't start looking for those windows. How sad to miss a window open, because it closed before you turned around too look for it. I don't want to miss those opportunities. I know no one else wants to either.

I love you all.
MOTH3R