How I lost MYSELF!

I lost myself.  I lost myself when I became a wife & mother.  Those things happened when I was 22 so for my whole adult life I didn't know who I was. Those two things became my whole identity.  The problems occur if you lose the things that make your identity.  When my kids were in elementary school I had an identity crisis.  My husband refused to have more kids and my kids were growing up so fast! The only answer for what I wanted to be while growing up was a mother. This was a long time ago (kids are now 19 & 17).  

I transferred my identity to being a wife.  

My husband was gone a lot though as a truck driver. 

During the intervening years I slowly started disappearing.  I lost most of my personal like & dislikes, ambitions, goals, and dreams, and I didn't reappear when my husband was home either.  I just adopted his.  This caused problems in our relationship to the point that my husband was ready to call it quits.  This hit me out of the blue as we had gone through some hard things (problems with the kids & health things) but we weathered through them, we rarely argued and all my goals were my husband's goals. He did not communicate his unhappiness.  I was devastated.  He agreed to counseling but all appointments had to be made around his convenience so they were few and far between.  He made life changing decisions without discussion. e.g. He left for three months to go to school on the other side of the country to facilitate a career change. I was devastated all over again.  How could we work on things if he was gone?  Would he come back?  I had breakdowns weekly and would scream and cry on the phone with him.  He spent a lot of time trying to reassure me from thousands of miles away, which didn't make any sense because he was the one who wanted to be out.  I was angry enough to let him be out too.  

I was angry with God.   I trusted God When my 13 year old son had charges against him; I trusted God when I suffered an ischemic stroke at the age of 36.  What more did he want from me?! I lost my faith, I didn't even want to go to heaven any more because I was so mad at God I definitely didn't want to spend eternity with Him. I contemplated how it would be preferable to spend eternity in Hell, eternally separated from God.  My husband came home.  He acted like everything was fine now.  I couldn't trust him.  He started searching for a new job in his new field, with all sorts of promises he wasn't going to be able to fulfill.  

I contemplated leaving my husband.  Instead I cooperated with uprooting and moving our children cross country. 

I was terrified.  I didn't trust my husband, I didn't trust God, the only choices I had were going along with the move or torpedoing my marriage. I figured leaving would always be an option, but once left the chances of reconciliation are greatly reduced.  I started praying again, because I didn't know where else to turn.  It took me 5 months to find a job in our new home. Our daughter who was 16 at the time of the move and going into 11th grade really struggled with the transition for so many reasons. Our son hasn't fared much better he was 18 and graduated high school prior to the move, but still hasn't found a job or figured out what he wants to do with his life.  I asked my husband what had changed, how could everything be fine for him now. How could I trust we were okay? (Still trying to reclaim my wife identity.) Short answer for him was Godly counsel from trusted Christian Friends. But I couldn't help but wonder if that kind of thing would last.

Photo by Allef Vinicius on Unsplash  

I started looking for who I was beyond a wife and mother.  

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

If those things could be done or gone at anytime, what was left?

Purposefully Happy

Lately I've been in a real funk. I have had trouble feeling positive about anything, let alone myself. I've been tired, frustrated, stressed, discouraged, depressed, and beating myself up on a daily basis.

Enough is enough.

Is this what God intended for me? NO!

I know it, and it's time to remind myself of that - RIGHT NOW.

As of right now I am going to practice being Purposefully Happy. Purposefully - as in fully purposeful.

In the Bible it says "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice." Phillipians 4:4 ESV

(In a word search of an online ESV bible it found the word "Rejoice" 222. I think that's an interesting number, though I am no numerologist so I wouldn't necessarily say it's significant...)

But I can't help thinking, if I spend more of my time Rejoicing in the Lord, there will be less time left for all those negative feelings, attitudes etc. It's worth a shot right?

So here it is Lord, I present myself joyfully to you and your awesome goodness & greatness. Please help me spend more of my time joyfully in you.
Amen.

Moth3rMN

What now?

I feel like I'm in limbo. Some inbetween place. Not sure what direction I'm headed in. So many things I feel like I should be doing, that I become overwhelmed and end up doing very little. Read a book today. Percy Jackson & the Sea of Monsters. Sat and read the whole thing this afternoon & evening ... which yes, means I didn't get anything else done. I haven't read a book for pleasure in sooo long. I really miss it, but I tend to have no self control when it comes to reading for pleasure, never have. I'll read all night long to finish a book, no matter what I may have going on the next day (like work, yikes!) When I pray, there's very little I can ask for myself. I usually just ask the Lord's will be done, because if it's different from what I want it's got to be better (at the very least in the long term) then I what I want. I know we are welcome to ask anything we want. Does God answer prayers that aren't his 1st choice? Like I'll give her this, but she should really have that... yesterday I fought w/ the demons of Jealously, resentment, martyr, selfishness, self-centeredness. I really hate when that happens. when it happens its usually in regards to my husband, and I end up hurting him more then anything. this blog post is quick and messy. I guess I don't have to worry too much, I doubt anyone will read. It's more for me anyways. I want to live my life wholey for God, but I'm so sinful I don't know if I'll ever be able wholey give myself over to him. Time to stop venting and start pigging out on chocolate chip cookies. Love & peace, blessings upon blessings. Moth3rMN

A New Beginning. Again. And Again. And again, and again, and again…

Thank you God that I can begin again. And again. And yet again! I'm afraid I've used my increased work hours as an excuse to not try the last two months.

I feel very ashamed. An extra 10hrs a week, 8hrs/day instead of my normal 6hrs/day, and I barely coped at home. Everything overwhelmed me. I fell apart. I didn't trust God to help me. That's the bottom line. I made everything rest on me, instead of God. How egotistical!

It's Sunday night & I go back to my 6hr/day schedule on Tuesday. ( only 1 more day of working 8hrs.) & I've recently become afraid that everything will NOT be okay starting Tuesday as I have been counting on the past two months. I think its because I finally accepted that the problem has not been the number of hours/day that I've been working outside the home… the problem has been my rejection of God. Something that has nothing to do with Tuesday.

Now what?

I have to turn my face back to God.

I need to trust him.

I need to focus on him.

Forgive me Lord for I have sinned. Thank you for making me whole again through Christ's death & resurrection. Thank you for your unfailing love & grace. Thank you for accepting me back in your arms everytime I throw a childish fit & try to insist on having my own way. Thank You for helping me learn & grow.

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Off the wagon

I "fell off the wagon" as it were on my Morning Routine. This morning I managed to get up at 5am. I got up, and proceeded to do nothing. I sat for 1/2hr doing virtually nothing, saying some prayers & read an email devotional. Now I've turned on my soap and am typing in my blog. Not exactly how I planned my routine. Oh well. At least I got up. I think I'm stuck on the excercise part. I keep avoiding it. So tomorrow, I'm going to try to get up at 5am again, & I'm going to go strait to worship, bible study & prayer. I never had a problem with that part. Even if that is all I get done that is okay. Maybe I can try to excercise in the afternoon 1st thing when I get home? It's worth a try.

Epiphany!

I realized something today. I have hit a road block in making progress with my Flylady routines. I've been trying to not beat myself up over it and give myself time to adjust to where I am it.

That's fine.

What I realized today is, I may not be making progress on my Flylady routines right now, but I am making mad progress on my new Maximize Your Mornings routines.

My new efforts in the morning area are massive. It is major changes in my life. I may not have made much progress in the Flylady changes since I started it, but I have been making major changes to my mornings! I can not expect to make changes in all areas at once. Flylady says Babysteps. And right now my Babysteps are Maximizing my mornings so I can start my days off right with the Lord. It makes much sense and I am okay with it now.

So that is that.

Yesterday thanks to Adam I actually got to bed early (on time). Tonight I have to try do the same. I feel so much when I get an appropriate amount of sleep.

Anyways I love you. I love the Loard. Lord, thank You for the people in my life that test me. It's easy to charitable towards lovely people. But you want me to be charitable to everyone, even my ultra-negative coworker. She teaches me to be patient, forgiving, compassionate and much more.

9pm time to hit the hay are try to get into it.
Night!

Where was I?

I have not made a post since . . . last Thursday? Friday I was enjoying Adam being home (and had an evening meeting for church) and Saturday our internet went out due to a big snow storm. We finally got it back today.

I've really been stuck on babystep #10. 15min declutter. I don't know why it's so hard for me to do. I have paused on moving forward on the babysteps until I can master this. Now don't get me wrong! I'm going to continue to practice what I've been practicing. And I will do the 15min declutter. I'm going to have to try different times of the day or something.

I'm doing better since Wednesday. I'm tried, getting up earlier. Adding Worship & prayer to my morning routine. I want... I want... I don't know what I want. I think I need to go to bed. 5:30am comes very early.

Thank you Lord for your many mercies & the grace you pour out on me everyday. Thank you for the blessings you shower on me and my family. May yours be the glory and honor and praise. Amen