Wow! 3 Happiness blogs in a row! What are the odds? If this keeps up I'll have to stop counting!
***SMILE***
Lets get right into the quote I picked for today . . .
"Happiness belongs to the self-sufficient." ~Aristotle~
What do you think of that? I think most people's initial reactions are going to be to heartily agree or disagree, though they won't analyze which side of that line they fall on.
I happen to think this is quite true. What tends to steal our happiness is being the Martyr. What do I mean when I think being a Martyr? Someone is playing the Martyr if theyu feel they are making all or at least the majority of the sacrices, if they feel they are doing all or most of the work, if they're constantly telling themselves they shouldn't have to do this, why do they have to do this?
Well I want to ask you, what makes you so special? I can easily pick on wives and mothers. Especially if they work outside the home, or really anyone who works outside the home (which is most of us!) I know when I stopped feeling like I should have help taking care of my home, I started feeling much better. If I was single, I wouldn't be expecting anyone to help take care of my home. Taking care of your home is just something you do. If you have kids or a significant other, it might mean additional work, but if you love them, you should just do it. Wanting or expecting help doing something that is basic to every home just causes dissatisfaction and unhappiness. Wanting or expecting help, or someone to take care of us, just leads to further unhappiness. It is really needy, and I know I don't want to see myself as needy!! Who does?! We want to think of ourselves as self-sufficient. But being truly self-sufficient is not expecting anyone to do anything for us. We just do it and get on with it. Sometimes we feel we truly need help. We then need to learn to REALLY ask for it, and if it doesn't come then we need to figure out a different solution. Most of the problems we are faced with are faced by hundreds and thousands of others, whether they are financial, academic, or physical. Other people have solved their problems one way or another, and we can too if we're just willing to work at finding the solution. Again so often we don't want to put the effort in, we just want it done for us. Why pine for something you don't have, millions of others probably don't have it also. If we could just accept and move on . . . imagine the weight that would be lifted.
If something needs done, just do it. You'll feel better, and you won't make everyone else miserable by acting put-upon for doing things that need done.
I haven't found any essays really easily that continue on with my point. I did find one I liked though about happiness and consumerism and the world, so I'll include a link, but I won't copy it fully since it's not really inline with my earlier musings.
Are You Really Happy?
by Stephen Knapp
I do want to add that obviously we can never be 100% self-sufficient. We are not bush people, nor do I ever really want to be. And as for as dropping the martyr complex, it's a lot easier to say then do, believe me I know! I'm spouting on ideals that I am working on because I believe in them, but I by no means want to give the impression that I have perfected them. I still like having things done for me (in fact I really wish that Adam would make the appointment for the appliance repairman for me, but I know that isn't going to happen so I'm trying not to dwell on it!)
PS - for the gals!!! Men can not read minds, and they take everything you say at face value. If you say one thing but mean something else, and they don't get it . . . you have only yourself to blame. From the very beginning of my marriage ( 7 1/2 years ago!) I resolved I would never blame Adam if he didn't respond the way I wanted him to if I didn't say exactly what I meant. If I say "I hate taking out the garbage" and mean "You take out the garbage", what guys hear is "She hates taking out the garbage" and what their thought response is "Man I know what she means, I hate taking out the garbage too!" They totally don't get that you were asking them to take out the garbage for you. And even if they did get what you really meant, since technically you didn't ask them to take out the garbage . . . who's fault is that? If you say "Would you please take out the garbage?" (very nicely, and when they're not distracted by something else - lets be realistic) most of the time the response is going to be much better. A group I belong to calls it "Women Speak", but I've tried to avoid it from the beginning. Learning to identify it and avoid it in the future will really improve your communication with your significant other and your relationship. I really believe this!!!
Here is a copy of the essay on "Women Speak" I think it's really important.
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WomanspeakA Sergeant can give a Private orders, all day, every day. A boss cangive an employee an order, if it deals with work, and nobody gives ita second thought. A small child cannot give a parent orders, or atleast that was true when I was growing up. The nature of an order isthe implied message, "If you do not obey, I can make you wish youhad." It is that implied threat which makes all orders inherentlyhostile, and which accounts for the resentment that builds up inpeople who are ordered around a lot. In songs ("Take This Job AndShove It"), in specialty verbs ("to frag"), and in dozens of otherways, experience shows that there is a cost involved in giving orders,even if it is only having to pay the employee his wages. At somelevel, everyone knows this, so it is not surprising that in goodmarriages, the language of command is rarely heard.But the urge to command is deeply embedded in human nature. In men itfinds expression, or it doesn't; that is not our subject. Briefly put,our subject is this: How does a woman get her way, if the language ofcommand is too costly to use?The honest (as men see it) alternative to a command is a request, butthat too comes at a price: if you are forever making requests, youcome across as needy, a user. And, of course, the other person may tryto balance the scales by making requests of his own, which defeats thegoal of getting your way. What to do? The answer, all too often, isWomanspeak. Not a command, and not a request, Womanspeak says "B" butexpects—even demands—to be understood as meaning "A".Sometimes it looks like a question, as in the title of a recent bookon mother-daughter communication: "You're Wearing That?". Depending oninflection, that phrase may be a comment, a suggestion, or a command.It is not, however, a question. Used on children, Womanspeak almostalways disguises itself as a question, but every child learns early onnot to answer it. "Don't you think you need a sweater?" is not askingfor a child's opinion; it is giving the child an order. Sometimes itlooks like mere information, such as, "I'm cold." The hidden subtext,though, is a command: Turn up the heat.However it is disguised, men see Womanspeak as dishonest--a ploy togive an order without paying the price--or, what is worse, a form ofmanipulation. Men really resent manipulation, but we learn early onnot to say so. Women don't believe they are being manipulative, andget testy when told otherwise. After all, when they use Womanspeak,they think they are being diplomatic. And anyway, it is how theirmothers talked to them, wasn't it? Yes, and it is how mothers talkedto their sons, too, and we didn't like it then, either.Probably Womanspeak dates back to the days when, as Blackstone said inhis Commentaries on the Common Law, the husband and wife were legallyone person, and that person was the husband. Back then, it served auseful purpose: it gave a voice to people who had none other. Butthose days are past. The largest impact Womanspeak has today is thatit encourages men to think what they dare not say, and no relationshipbenefits from that, in the long run. At least that's what I think.Robert~~~
Marla and Paddi say that I should give examples of Womanspeak. Okay,by categories, here goes:One very common category is the question that cannot be answered(because it isn't really a question). For example:WOMANSPEAK: You're not wearing that to the restaurant, are you? [Ifhe's not, why does he have it on?]HONEST VERSION: I think you should change clothes. WOMANSPEAK: Don't you think you should ______________? [What kind ofmoron would be doing whatever-it-is, if he really thought he should bedoing something different?]HONEST VERSION: I think you should be doing _______(what you reallywant them to do)They can't read your mind. Do we have time for me to ________________? [This example is anespecially subtle form of Womanspeak, since it actually is asking aquestion, just not the question that is spoken aloud. The realquestion is, "Do you mind if we make a side-trip, or put off leaving,or whatever, even though we're already up against our deadline?"]Another common ploy is to shift needs. For example:WOMANSPEAK: The garbage needs to be taken out. [Garbage does not haveneeds. People have needs. You need for him to take out the garbage.]HONEST VERSION: Please, take out the garbage. WOMANSPEAK: The car needs to be washed.HONEST VERSION; Would you please wash the car. WOMANSPEAK: You need to slow down. [No, you need for him to slow down.]HONEST VERSION: I'm scared, would you please slow down.And, of course, the classic:WOMANSPEAK: I'm cold. [You know what that means.]HONEST VERSION: Please turn up the heat.
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MOTH3R here!
Not a single one of us means to be "dishonest", but we all have to accept the men and women are different and communicate differently. The sooner we accept it and work with it instead of against it, the happier we all will be!
I love you all and wish you the happiest of thots!!!
MOTH3R
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